Waiting for Surgery
the opportunities of my tribulation
“Formation happens in waiting.” — Derek Vreeland
I discovered Worship Devo recently. It’s a devotional app where they send you a text link to a daily devotional every weekday. This morning the reading was John 12:23-28.
23 And Jesus answered them, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.
The Son of Man Must Be Lifted Up
27 “Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But for this purpose I have come to this hour. 28 Father, glorify your name.” Then a voice came from heaven: “I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.”
Last Wednesday I wiped out pretty badly and broke my ankle. It’s the kind of fracture that requires stabilisation surgery and that’s supposed to happen anytime as of tomorrow (they said in a week on the date of injury, when they discharged me from the ER).
So, I have a cast on my right leg, I’m on crutches and hobbling around the apartment. I ventured out once to attend my friend’s going away party on Saturday and got to hang out with some lovely normal conservative people in the Fraser Valley and it felt good to get away from ridiculous fake and wokerati Vancouver society, if only for a few hours.
I’m gonna be honest, it’s not optimal, being laid up in a cast with crutches and in a holding pattern, waiting on a system I cannot control. Having many things beyond my control and capacity right now feels suboptimal. It sometimes feels lousy and scary. It definitely humbles. It reminds me of what’s important and it challenges me to perform self care, to consider how I respond to what challenges me. It calls me to refine my focus and really hone in on what’s important and meaningful.
That means letting go of stuff that I previous thought important. It’s weird how it seems silly and trivial in the grand scheme of things. As the Bible passage says, a grain must fall to the earth and germinate, that means split open, in order to grow and bear fruit. For me that means letting go of fear and anger and shame or feeling inadequate. Expending energy on things that bear no fruit doesn’t serve anything. It’s wasted energy, it’s putting good toward bad. Focus on fruitless endeavours defies purpose, it’s a kind of dead activity, a kind of idolatry. It’s like letting my gas tank drained whilst at a standstill.
So, in the morning when I awake and feel the uncertainty of my situation and life weigh down on me heavily, and I feel tempted to perseverate on the fear and anxiety and fixate on the stuff outside my control, I must remember to be the seed and germinate. The dying to self means letting go and trusting the Almighty. My pastor reminded me what’s important: Greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world. Take heart and rest into the arms of the Almighty. Rest in the arms of the Almighty. That’s a welcome reminder.
I started reading my galley copy of Derek Vreeland’s Bible study book, Incarnation. It’s got some good lessons to help focus on the Jesus way and to build and strengthen faith. I have, in the past two weeks, read two of Brian Zahnd’s books and I’m about to crack open my third. I’ve read In the Hands of a Loving Gd, and When Everything is On Fire, and I’m about to begin The Wood Between the Worlds.
So, I’m glad for the opportunity to grow in faith and distance myself from the unimportant and idolatrous. Let’s face it, politically or cynically sounding off on Xwitter or any other social media platform amounts to jerking off in public — gratuitous and self indulgent actions that feed the toxic discourse. It’s all purposeless and meaningless activity, when it comes down to it. Reader, who really cares what you think about what others said about a thing happening over there? It’s fruitless.
So, I’m waiting for surgery to stabilise my broken ankle. I have only this moment and this day and I can’t devote excessive energy to fussing about tomorrow, and the questions that have no answers, like, when will the hospital call, and will they call tomorrow, and all the particular worries about the surgery itself, and blah blah. It’s all a lot. And I’m here now, a grain, or a seed, germinating … waiting. And that will have to do for now, reader.
His mercies are new every day. All things have possibility through Him.
What fruitless activity or behaviour can you let go of today that you don’t need? How can you be the grain or the seed today, right now?
Maybe you can unplug and let go of all the rage baiting and fear mongering that’s whirling around you like a witch’s wind. Maybe you don’t need to respond to the Charlie Kirk drama and whatever other dramatic discourse has got people excited and worked up. Maybe some stuff doesn’t need a response. Maybe your choice to say nothing and move on and let it be is a healthy fruitful response.
What will you grow in the garden of your mind and heart and soul?